I'M A CRACK POT ~ Part 3

Let me explain some things about depression you may not know. It often happens in conjunction with panic attacks. My doctor thought I may have been having a panic attack that had lasted for months that had finally led to the depression. I also had exteme body aches, it hurt for anyone just to brush up against my arm. I was also experiencing an inability to sleep. I was afraid to sleep. Afraid I would not wake up. By the time I got real help, I had not had any appreciable amount of sleep for over 3 weeks.

I want to make it perfectly clear, that I still believe that demons can cause these same symptoms in people, but I want to remind you that we have POWER over the devil.....if you tell him to go....prayer and fasting.....prayer of agreement......shutting doors, etc. and the problem is still there: IT'S NOT THE DEVIL.

Another thing I want to make clear is that some people go through brief periods of depression because of circumstances beyond their control and they begin to feel hopeless and helpless. Although this is actually different from what I experienced, it is often the same source ~ a chemical imbalance. This can happen when you are in an overwhelmed state for several weeks. Eventually, the chemicals in your brain become imbalanced. A doctor can perscribe an anti-depressant to get you over the rough patch. They are non-addicting.

In my case, my brain became whacked out on February 28, 1995. It wasn't until September 10, 1995 that I finally received a revelation from God of what was happening to me. I have no idea why it took so long to get that revelation, except when you believe something so strongly (only demons can do this was my false belief) it takes a while for you to hit the bottom of your belief system. The night before, I experienced my first "mood swing" I didn't know what it was and thought for sure I was dying and that I was having a reaction to the pills the doctor had given me. The best way I can describe a mood swing is to say I felt like I was being suck through the floor.......all my energy....all my life source was being drained from me. I could hardly move. It lasted at least an hour or two before I began to slowly creep back up.

So, back to September 10th. I was lying on the couch and suddenly God spoke to me. Not in an audible voice. It was louder than that. It was about 4 o'clock in the afternoon. God said, "You do not have a demon, you have a medical problem and you need to go to the hospital so I can take care of you." I IMMEDIATELY got up off the couch, went to the campus doctor's office and asked them to get me set up to go to the Haven. They did. Louis took me there later that night with my pink bags packed with a few belongings. I was scared because they wouldn't let him go with me to my room. But, as I walked away from him, I suddenly felt God pick me up and carry me gently to my bed to rest.

A great spiritual journey began for me at the Haven. Starting with repenting for judging people ~ expecially weak women ~ thinking they should build a bridge and get over it or get rid of the demons in their lives. Guess what? Your brain, like other parts of your body can become sick. It works with chemicals and when those are out of whack, you become out of whack.

Often, you must try several different kinds of medicine to find what works for you. It takes 2-4 weeks to notice a difference. If that med doesn't work, it may take a month or more to find out.....then you have to try another one, and maybe another one. Don't give up. Also, remember, that these pills do not cure you, they help control your symptoms until your crisis is over and your body takes over again or God heals you. I am still waiting and believing that one day I will be completely healed of my chemial imbalance. In the meantime ~ I thank God for giving men and women gifts to make medication to help our human bodies live in a fallen world.

GOD'S GRACE, PART TWO

I am continuing my personal saga of my divorce. I am not doing this to embarrass anyone, but I want you all to know I have been through a divorce, so I feel I can speak to some of the issues of divorce, and hopefully, you will know I am not judging you with what I am going to say.

I left off yesterday by explaining that I filed for divorce. I am thinking this was sometime in February, but I didn't have a court date to finalize the divorce until May, I think.....maybe even June, 1979. What transpired during those in-between months was very painful for me. I was feeling I was the biggest sinner in my family. NO ONE had ever gotten a divorce in my family. Let me make it clear: had I another choice, I would not have gotten a divorce either because I believed divorce to be wrong in the sight of God, and it is. He said it is only because of the hardness of your hearts that Moses allowed it. However, it take two soft and willing hearts, not just one. My husband wanted a divorce NO MATTER WHAT! I realized this, and so consented to it with the restrictions I mentioned in Part One. Also, it mentions that if your spouse commits adultery you may divorce also. I'll be more detailed about these things later.

As I said, I felt like 1) the biggest sinner in my family 2) a great BIG failure because I couldnt' make my marriage work even with compromises like his pot smoking, dealing, growing, etc. 3) a fool, because I had let myself marry him 4) overwhelming sadness from the entire situation 5) embarrassment at my failure. There were a myriad of emotions going on that I didn't understand then, but God has since revealed to me what was going on spiritually. I'll talk about that later as well.

I came to find out, from my sister closest to my age, that there was a secret that she and other family members knew about him, but she had been sworn to secrecy not to tell me. This incident was being kept from me so as to protect my very tender heart from further hurt. We had been separated for a month or six weeks and I just couldn't bring myself to hate him or wish him ill. I only wanted him to clean up, change his mind and come back. I begged my sister to tell me because I thought it might help me have "some" dislike for him. That seemed important to me at the time. Well, she told me. I was shocked more than hurt. About 3 weeks before his announcement of wanting to be a bum, my youngest sister had her 13th birthday. She wanted to spend the night with us. Apparently, in the middle of the night, she woke up to him putting his hand down her pants. She didn't know what to do. She told me recently that I called him from the bedroom and asked him where he was and he came back to bed. I remember none of this. She thought I knew what was happening and was saving her from him. Wish I had, but I didn't know.

So, this was the "trump card" my daddy held over his head during the next few months when it was time to sign papers. I pretended I didn't know so my sister wouldn't get in trouble for telling me. However, my BFF, J, was a notary, and so she accompanied my daddy to his house for signing things. They caught him in a compromising situation with another woman. Perhaps he didn't know that the foil stuff you are not supposed to be able to see through......YOU CAN SEE THROUGH.

Another thing that happened early on, that didn't seem important at the time: He called me and asked to borrow money so he could go to the doctor because he had a bladder infection. I had just found out about him molesting my sister, so, I said, NO WAY! Later, this incident would come back to me......

Another BFF, R, had told me when he insisted on the divorce the second time, that she knew he was out commiting adultery with several women and doing more drugs than pot. I really didn't believe her because I couldn't imagine when he was doing this because we were together most of the time. Turned out I was wrong on that one. Now, I was really feeling like a fool. The wife is the last to know, they say......at least that was my case here.

I continued going to church and reading the Word, praying and listening to God. He gave me the courage to accept the betrayals I was facing from my husband and some of his family, who I dearly loved as well. Then God began to heal my heart and forgiveness flowed. By the time of the actual signing of the divorce papers, I was about 50% healed and renewed. By the end of that summer, God had miraculously removed my pain and even most of my memories of him. We had dated since I was 14.....that was a lot of years to erase. It was like he didn't exist in my life anymore, and never did. I have no idea why God chose to heal me this way, I just know He did.

God told me that when I was looking in that mirror on my wedding day, it was Him speaking to me ~ it was Him telling me to stop the ceremony and RUN! He said he had already forgiven my fornication and He was said that I didn't know Him well enough to realize the depth and scope of His love and forgiveness.....His grace....His mercy. I didn't deserve that special healing God gave me, but in His mercy He provided it just for me because He loved me. In His grace extended.......He forgave me of ALL my sins. I was FREE!

To end this story, I will mention a couple of other things. I had told my mother that I was certain that he would be in jail within the next two years. I don't think it was much over a year when he ended up in prison. Another thing that happened: Right after Louis and I married, Louis got a bladder infection. He went to the doctor.....came home and told me he didn't have a bladder infection, he had gonorrhea. I had numerous bladder infections after our separation and divorce. Come to find out, gonorrhea kind of hides it's symptoms in women and often manifests as a bladder infection. It shows up very painfully in men, so they go get treatment right away and are supposed to tell the women they have infected ~ or maybe the doctor does ~ I don't know.....I just know no one told me. But as soon as Louis told me, I remembered my ex telling me about that bladder infection he had and asking me for money to go to the doctor.......Still another opportunity to forgive a year and a half later.

GOD'S GRACE, PART ONE

Divorce and the horrible trickle down effect on so many people has been on my mind lately. So much so, that I have been crying God's tears for the pain of the people and the sadness God feels because of the wrong choices we make that affect so many lives. At the time.....we may think it's just about us....but it takes a toll on countless relationships: children, mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family and friendships. Let me start by telling you my story.

I made the decision to marry my high school sweetheart. I have no one to blame but me on that account. However, what I didn't know at the time, was that God's grace would cover my sin of fornication. Yes, we had sex before marriage. I had been taught that was the BIGGEST NO-NO on the face of the earth. But no one told me why. I'm not sure that would have changed what I did or not, but knowledge is power! I will probably talk more on that in a later blog. My point here is: I believed that since I had sex with the man, I was already married to him in God's eyes, so therefore, I had no choice but to marry him. REMEMBER: A LIE IS AS STRONG AS THE TRUTH.....IF YOU BELIEVE IT.

I can remember exactly the moment I wanted to cut and run. It was the day of the wedding. The photographer took a picture of me at that very moment, looking into a mirror with a strange look on my face. Only I knew what I was thinking. But, because I believed the lie, I felt I couldnt' get out of the marriage....that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it.....for better or worse.

I certainly tried to make the best of it. Yes, I knew he smoked pot when we married, but I thought he would stop. I just thought it was one of those childish things he was doing for "recreation" until we married. WRONG! I had even said that it is stupid to think a man will change when you marry.....but ~ because I believed the lie.....I married him. The lie I actually believed was that God had no grace to forgive me of such a sin that I knew not to do, yet had done anyway.

Honestly, I wasn't unhappy in our marriage, at least the first couple of years. No, I didn't like him smoking pot, keeping a "stash" around our house or growing it in the garage. I didn't want to get arrested for something I didn't do. Things really took a turn when, just after our second anniversary, he walked in the door from work ~ I had just gotten off work myself and was lying on the couch resting ~ he looked at me and plopped down divorce papers on the coffee table or floor, I don't remember which.

I remember to this day what that felt like. I felt like I was standing one minute and someone had pulled a rug out from under me the next and I was free-falling to the ground....then hitting the ground and all the breath and strength I had was knocked out of me. I was in total and complete shock. Never saw it coming, never heard it coming, we never had fights, arguments or disagreements. I was completely and utterly bamboozled as to what was happening.

To add to the pain, he had gone to his parents, 60 miles away, told them some pack of lies about me and they believed it. I felt so betrayed. Not only by him, but by his parents. They knew he was doing drugs and growing pot in the garage, yet they had taken his lies as truth in one fail swoop. He apparently showed up at their house early that morning, told them the lies and they took their poor mistreated boy to a lawyer to get a divorce. Just like that...no, "Wait a minute son, let's see how we can work this out. Divorce is a sin." They were (I thought) upstanding Christians. The hurt and betrayal I felt at that moment is to this day undescribable. I had been slandered and what was worse......they believed their druggie son! I had loved them like a second mom and dad. I thought they considered me the same. Actions speak louder than words. And those actions hurt!

After hearing what he had done and the lies he admitted he told, I pulled myself together and called my parents. They came unglued! They could not believe his parents would do such a thing. Their advise to me: STAND YOUR GROUND. WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE. If he wants to leave.....he can pack up and find a place to go. You see, he thought I would just pack up and go back to live with my parents. That was Godly advise my parents gave me. He decided not to leave and we would stay and work it out. Whatever "it" was, because he couldn't name it for me, unless it was a lie. He withdrew the divorce papers.

We continued onward, mostly as if nothing had happened for six more months. Then one night, as we were coming back from seeing a movie or shopping in Clovis, he was smoking his pot. We got pulled over by the cops. We rolled down the windows and sprayed some special air freshener he kept around and slowly rolled to a stop. I was scared to death. Here I was, about to go to jail for something I didn't do. God intervened. The cop pulled us over because he thought he was drinking. He was.....a large drink from Taco Box. I thanked God profusely! We went home and he wanted to have some romance....

The next morning he was sitting at the table looking glum. He said he just couldn't live this way. I was a goody two-shoes and he wanted to be a bum. He said as long as he remained married to me, he couldn't be a bum and that was his true ambition. O.K.....so now the truth comes out....I was cramping his "style". Since I was a para-legal, I made the almost instant decision to file for divorce myself this time. In fact, I told him if he just had to have his divorce, he was going to have it "my way" this time around. He agreed to all my terms and conditions ~ which were ~ you move out today, I get everything (and I paid for it, too), including the house and car. He agreed. Also, as part of the agreement, since we were buying the house from his grandparents, no one could know about the divorce until they had signed the house over to us and then he was to sign it over to me. He agreed on that as well. I went to the office and typed all the papers up: the divorce papers, property agreement and real estate note. We mailed the real estate stuff to his grandparents in New Mexico, and it was all done in three weeks. He signed all things over to me and I filed everything with the court.

I will continue this in part two, tomorrow.