I am continuing my personal saga of my divorce. I am not doing this to embarrass anyone, but I want you all to know I have been through a divorce, so I feel I can speak to some of the issues of divorce, and hopefully, you will know I am not judging you with what I am going to say.
I left off yesterday by explaining that I filed for divorce. I am thinking this was sometime in February, but I didn't have a court date to finalize the divorce until May, I think.....maybe even June, 1979. What transpired during those in-between months was very painful for me. I was feeling I was the biggest sinner in my family. NO ONE had ever gotten a divorce in my family. Let me make it clear: had I another choice, I would not have gotten a divorce either because I believed divorce to be wrong in the sight of God, and it is. He said it is only because of the hardness of your hearts that Moses allowed it. However, it take two soft and willing hearts, not just one. My husband wanted a divorce NO MATTER WHAT! I realized this, and so consented to it with the restrictions I mentioned in Part One. Also, it mentions that if your spouse commits adultery you may divorce also. I'll be more detailed about these things later.
As I said, I felt like 1) the biggest sinner in my family 2) a great BIG failure because I couldnt' make my marriage work even with compromises like his pot smoking, dealing, growing, etc. 3) a fool, because I had let myself marry him 4) overwhelming sadness from the entire situation 5) embarrassment at my failure. There were a myriad of emotions going on that I didn't understand then, but God has since revealed to me what was going on spiritually. I'll talk about that later as well.
I came to find out, from my sister closest to my age, that there was a secret that she and other family members knew about him, but she had been sworn to secrecy not to tell me. This incident was being kept from me so as to protect my very tender heart from further hurt. We had been separated for a month or six weeks and I just couldn't bring myself to hate him or wish him ill. I only wanted him to clean up, change his mind and come back. I begged my sister to tell me because I thought it might help me have "some" dislike for him. That seemed important to me at the time. Well, she told me. I was shocked more than hurt. About 3 weeks before his announcement of wanting to be a bum, my youngest sister had her 13th birthday. She wanted to spend the night with us. Apparently, in the middle of the night, she woke up to him putting his hand down her pants. She didn't know what to do. She told me recently that I called him from the bedroom and asked him where he was and he came back to bed. I remember none of this. She thought I knew what was happening and was saving her from him. Wish I had, but I didn't know.
So, this was the "trump card" my daddy held over his head during the next few months when it was time to sign papers. I pretended I didn't know so my sister wouldn't get in trouble for telling me. However, my BFF, J, was a notary, and so she accompanied my daddy to his house for signing things. They caught him in a compromising situation with another woman. Perhaps he didn't know that the foil stuff you are not supposed to be able to see through......YOU CAN SEE THROUGH.
Another thing that happened early on, that didn't seem important at the time: He called me and asked to borrow money so he could go to the doctor because he had a bladder infection. I had just found out about him molesting my sister, so, I said, NO WAY! Later, this incident would come back to me......
Another BFF, R, had told me when he insisted on the divorce the second time, that she knew he was out commiting adultery with several women and doing more drugs than pot. I really didn't believe her because I couldn't imagine when he was doing this because we were together most of the time. Turned out I was wrong on that one. Now, I was really feeling like a fool. The wife is the last to know, they say......at least that was my case here.
I continued going to church and reading the Word, praying and listening to God. He gave me the courage to accept the betrayals I was facing from my husband and some of his family, who I dearly loved as well. Then God began to heal my heart and forgiveness flowed. By the time of the actual signing of the divorce papers, I was about 50% healed and renewed. By the end of that summer, God had miraculously removed my pain and even most of my memories of him. We had dated since I was 14.....that was a lot of years to erase. It was like he didn't exist in my life anymore, and never did. I have no idea why God chose to heal me this way, I just know He did.
God told me that when I was looking in that mirror on my wedding day, it was Him speaking to me ~ it was Him telling me to stop the ceremony and RUN! He said he had already forgiven my fornication and He was said that I didn't know Him well enough to realize the depth and scope of His love and forgiveness.....His grace....His mercy. I didn't deserve that special healing God gave me, but in His mercy He provided it just for me because He loved me. In His grace extended.......He forgave me of ALL my sins. I was FREE!
To end this story, I will mention a couple of other things. I had told my mother that I was certain that he would be in jail within the next two years. I don't think it was much over a year when he ended up in prison. Another thing that happened: Right after Louis and I married, Louis got a bladder infection. He went to the doctor.....came home and told me he didn't have a bladder infection, he had gonorrhea. I had numerous bladder infections after our separation and divorce. Come to find out, gonorrhea kind of hides it's symptoms in women and often manifests as a bladder infection. It shows up very painfully in men, so they go get treatment right away and are supposed to tell the women they have infected ~ or maybe the doctor does ~ I don't know.....I just know no one told me. But as soon as Louis told me, I remembered my ex telling me about that bladder infection he had and asking me for money to go to the doctor.......Still another opportunity to forgive a year and a half later.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, October 7, 2010
GOD'S GRACE, PART ONE
Divorce and the horrible trickle down effect on so many people has been on my mind lately. So much so, that I have been crying God's tears for the pain of the people and the sadness God feels because of the wrong choices we make that affect so many lives. At the time.....we may think it's just about us....but it takes a toll on countless relationships: children, mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family and friendships. Let me start by telling you my story.
I made the decision to marry my high school sweetheart. I have no one to blame but me on that account. However, what I didn't know at the time, was that God's grace would cover my sin of fornication. Yes, we had sex before marriage. I had been taught that was the BIGGEST NO-NO on the face of the earth. But no one told me why. I'm not sure that would have changed what I did or not, but knowledge is power! I will probably talk more on that in a later blog. My point here is: I believed that since I had sex with the man, I was already married to him in God's eyes, so therefore, I had no choice but to marry him. REMEMBER: A LIE IS AS STRONG AS THE TRUTH.....IF YOU BELIEVE IT.
I can remember exactly the moment I wanted to cut and run. It was the day of the wedding. The photographer took a picture of me at that very moment, looking into a mirror with a strange look on my face. Only I knew what I was thinking. But, because I believed the lie, I felt I couldnt' get out of the marriage....that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it.....for better or worse.
I certainly tried to make the best of it. Yes, I knew he smoked pot when we married, but I thought he would stop. I just thought it was one of those childish things he was doing for "recreation" until we married. WRONG! I had even said that it is stupid to think a man will change when you marry.....but ~ because I believed the lie.....I married him. The lie I actually believed was that God had no grace to forgive me of such a sin that I knew not to do, yet had done anyway.
Honestly, I wasn't unhappy in our marriage, at least the first couple of years. No, I didn't like him smoking pot, keeping a "stash" around our house or growing it in the garage. I didn't want to get arrested for something I didn't do. Things really took a turn when, just after our second anniversary, he walked in the door from work ~ I had just gotten off work myself and was lying on the couch resting ~ he looked at me and plopped down divorce papers on the coffee table or floor, I don't remember which.
I remember to this day what that felt like. I felt like I was standing one minute and someone had pulled a rug out from under me the next and I was free-falling to the ground....then hitting the ground and all the breath and strength I had was knocked out of me. I was in total and complete shock. Never saw it coming, never heard it coming, we never had fights, arguments or disagreements. I was completely and utterly bamboozled as to what was happening.
To add to the pain, he had gone to his parents, 60 miles away, told them some pack of lies about me and they believed it. I felt so betrayed. Not only by him, but by his parents. They knew he was doing drugs and growing pot in the garage, yet they had taken his lies as truth in one fail swoop. He apparently showed up at their house early that morning, told them the lies and they took their poor mistreated boy to a lawyer to get a divorce. Just like that...no, "Wait a minute son, let's see how we can work this out. Divorce is a sin." They were (I thought) upstanding Christians. The hurt and betrayal I felt at that moment is to this day undescribable. I had been slandered and what was worse......they believed their druggie son! I had loved them like a second mom and dad. I thought they considered me the same. Actions speak louder than words. And those actions hurt!
After hearing what he had done and the lies he admitted he told, I pulled myself together and called my parents. They came unglued! They could not believe his parents would do such a thing. Their advise to me: STAND YOUR GROUND. WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE. If he wants to leave.....he can pack up and find a place to go. You see, he thought I would just pack up and go back to live with my parents. That was Godly advise my parents gave me. He decided not to leave and we would stay and work it out. Whatever "it" was, because he couldn't name it for me, unless it was a lie. He withdrew the divorce papers.
We continued onward, mostly as if nothing had happened for six more months. Then one night, as we were coming back from seeing a movie or shopping in Clovis, he was smoking his pot. We got pulled over by the cops. We rolled down the windows and sprayed some special air freshener he kept around and slowly rolled to a stop. I was scared to death. Here I was, about to go to jail for something I didn't do. God intervened. The cop pulled us over because he thought he was drinking. He was.....a large drink from Taco Box. I thanked God profusely! We went home and he wanted to have some romance....
The next morning he was sitting at the table looking glum. He said he just couldn't live this way. I was a goody two-shoes and he wanted to be a bum. He said as long as he remained married to me, he couldn't be a bum and that was his true ambition. O.K.....so now the truth comes out....I was cramping his "style". Since I was a para-legal, I made the almost instant decision to file for divorce myself this time. In fact, I told him if he just had to have his divorce, he was going to have it "my way" this time around. He agreed to all my terms and conditions ~ which were ~ you move out today, I get everything (and I paid for it, too), including the house and car. He agreed. Also, as part of the agreement, since we were buying the house from his grandparents, no one could know about the divorce until they had signed the house over to us and then he was to sign it over to me. He agreed on that as well. I went to the office and typed all the papers up: the divorce papers, property agreement and real estate note. We mailed the real estate stuff to his grandparents in New Mexico, and it was all done in three weeks. He signed all things over to me and I filed everything with the court.
I will continue this in part two, tomorrow.
I made the decision to marry my high school sweetheart. I have no one to blame but me on that account. However, what I didn't know at the time, was that God's grace would cover my sin of fornication. Yes, we had sex before marriage. I had been taught that was the BIGGEST NO-NO on the face of the earth. But no one told me why. I'm not sure that would have changed what I did or not, but knowledge is power! I will probably talk more on that in a later blog. My point here is: I believed that since I had sex with the man, I was already married to him in God's eyes, so therefore, I had no choice but to marry him. REMEMBER: A LIE IS AS STRONG AS THE TRUTH.....IF YOU BELIEVE IT.
I can remember exactly the moment I wanted to cut and run. It was the day of the wedding. The photographer took a picture of me at that very moment, looking into a mirror with a strange look on my face. Only I knew what I was thinking. But, because I believed the lie, I felt I couldnt' get out of the marriage....that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it.....for better or worse.
I certainly tried to make the best of it. Yes, I knew he smoked pot when we married, but I thought he would stop. I just thought it was one of those childish things he was doing for "recreation" until we married. WRONG! I had even said that it is stupid to think a man will change when you marry.....but ~ because I believed the lie.....I married him. The lie I actually believed was that God had no grace to forgive me of such a sin that I knew not to do, yet had done anyway.
Honestly, I wasn't unhappy in our marriage, at least the first couple of years. No, I didn't like him smoking pot, keeping a "stash" around our house or growing it in the garage. I didn't want to get arrested for something I didn't do. Things really took a turn when, just after our second anniversary, he walked in the door from work ~ I had just gotten off work myself and was lying on the couch resting ~ he looked at me and plopped down divorce papers on the coffee table or floor, I don't remember which.
I remember to this day what that felt like. I felt like I was standing one minute and someone had pulled a rug out from under me the next and I was free-falling to the ground....then hitting the ground and all the breath and strength I had was knocked out of me. I was in total and complete shock. Never saw it coming, never heard it coming, we never had fights, arguments or disagreements. I was completely and utterly bamboozled as to what was happening.
To add to the pain, he had gone to his parents, 60 miles away, told them some pack of lies about me and they believed it. I felt so betrayed. Not only by him, but by his parents. They knew he was doing drugs and growing pot in the garage, yet they had taken his lies as truth in one fail swoop. He apparently showed up at their house early that morning, told them the lies and they took their poor mistreated boy to a lawyer to get a divorce. Just like that...no, "Wait a minute son, let's see how we can work this out. Divorce is a sin." They were (I thought) upstanding Christians. The hurt and betrayal I felt at that moment is to this day undescribable. I had been slandered and what was worse......they believed their druggie son! I had loved them like a second mom and dad. I thought they considered me the same. Actions speak louder than words. And those actions hurt!
After hearing what he had done and the lies he admitted he told, I pulled myself together and called my parents. They came unglued! They could not believe his parents would do such a thing. Their advise to me: STAND YOUR GROUND. WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE. If he wants to leave.....he can pack up and find a place to go. You see, he thought I would just pack up and go back to live with my parents. That was Godly advise my parents gave me. He decided not to leave and we would stay and work it out. Whatever "it" was, because he couldn't name it for me, unless it was a lie. He withdrew the divorce papers.
We continued onward, mostly as if nothing had happened for six more months. Then one night, as we were coming back from seeing a movie or shopping in Clovis, he was smoking his pot. We got pulled over by the cops. We rolled down the windows and sprayed some special air freshener he kept around and slowly rolled to a stop. I was scared to death. Here I was, about to go to jail for something I didn't do. God intervened. The cop pulled us over because he thought he was drinking. He was.....a large drink from Taco Box. I thanked God profusely! We went home and he wanted to have some romance....
The next morning he was sitting at the table looking glum. He said he just couldn't live this way. I was a goody two-shoes and he wanted to be a bum. He said as long as he remained married to me, he couldn't be a bum and that was his true ambition. O.K.....so now the truth comes out....I was cramping his "style". Since I was a para-legal, I made the almost instant decision to file for divorce myself this time. In fact, I told him if he just had to have his divorce, he was going to have it "my way" this time around. He agreed to all my terms and conditions ~ which were ~ you move out today, I get everything (and I paid for it, too), including the house and car. He agreed. Also, as part of the agreement, since we were buying the house from his grandparents, no one could know about the divorce until they had signed the house over to us and then he was to sign it over to me. He agreed on that as well. I went to the office and typed all the papers up: the divorce papers, property agreement and real estate note. We mailed the real estate stuff to his grandparents in New Mexico, and it was all done in three weeks. He signed all things over to me and I filed everything with the court.
I will continue this in part two, tomorrow.
Monday, October 4, 2010
HARD, HARD, HARD
I have found myself crying off and on for the past 3 weeks. It all started on a Monday night. I went with my BFF, Lorie, to her first Divorce Care class at our church. She has been divorced since December '09 and not healing very well. As soon as I walked in the door, I immediately started crying because I could feel the pain of the all the people in that room. I have to admit, I felt rather stupid, as I had just celebrated my 30th anniversary and I looked like I needed more help than anyone in the class trying to recover from divorce! I tried to stop crying but I couldn't! People were handing me hankies and patting me on the back. Lorie was laughing because she knew what was happening to me.
I was looking at Lorie's new study book for the class. Inside the front cover there was also a book and video you could order for those who have troubled marriages that wanted to learn how they could stay together. JUST THE CLASS I HAVE FOREVER WANTED TO TEACH!!! I was excited to ask the leader of the class about where this class was being offered. Class continues and I just keep crying, wishing I had a prayer room to go to where I could just really LET IT OUT!
So, we have a break and go to the coffee shop we have in the building. Soon as I walked out of the room, I am doing just fine! RELIEF AT LAST! Time for class to start again. As soon as i walk in, I start the water works again. Now, we have broken up into small groups. Lorie explains I am just her support person for the night and that I have been married 30 years. I am trying to smile through my tears and someone pats me again and hands me a tissue......
FINALLY! Class is over! The sad, grieving people start to leave, but I am hanging on to talk to the leader about this other class. At last I have his attention! I ask him about the class and he cocks his head and looks confused and says he's never heard of such a class. I tell him it's mentioned in the book he is teaching and he said," No, he didn't think that was in there." I then asked him if our church didn't provide counseling for people whose marriages were in trouble and they wanted to stay together. He immediately "sensed" why I had been crying and offered to hook me up with a pastor at the church for counseling help. LOL! I shook my head and laughed, grabbed Lorie's book and showed him what I was talking about. He was astounded to see this in the book. I told him I was astounded that the rate of divorce was the same in the church as it was in the world and I thought the church should be proactive in doing something to change this and I thought this class looked like a good beginning. I told him I would LOVE TO TEACH THAT CLASS!
As Lorie and I were driving home, we discussed how heavy the grieving was in that class (and my over-reaction to it) and how we both sensed certain things about particular people. Lorie and I walk together in this trecherous gift that we have great respect for with reverence and fear of the Lord as well. Because we realize, first of all, we can be wrong, and that the power of this gift can be used for great good.....yet at the same time, if not used under the submission and yielding of the Holy Spirit and His love, can be very damaging. So, with fear and great respect we share what we had sensed about some of the people we had met. Several of them, men in particular ~ we saw their hardness of heart and that was what was keeping them from staying married. The women we met, were in varying states of devestation depending on their circumstances (length of marriage, age of children, job situation, etc.). I am sure there were other women in other small groups that were suffering from that same hardness of heart, we just didn't meet any of them that night....SO I AM NOT DISSING MEN!
I didn't go to the class with Lorie the next week.....she was brave enough to go on her own! LOL! She told me the man I talked to mentioned a new class coming up soon......a class on how to love, forgive and keep your marriage together.
We have only been going to this church for a few months and it is the first MEGA CHURCH we have ever gone to, so that is why we didn't know what all they offered and why I was questioning the leader of this group. I pray that my thoughts on the matter prompted him to go to leadership and ask that this hole be filled. Thank you Jesus! I am humbled! I pray for soft hearts for both husbands and wives. Without both having a soft heart....there's hardly a snowball's chance.......
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