Divorce and the horrible trickle down effect on so many people has been on my mind lately. So much so, that I have been crying God's tears for the pain of the people and the sadness God feels because of the wrong choices we make that affect so many lives. At the time.....we may think it's just about us....but it takes a toll on countless relationships: children, mothers, fathers, siblings, extended family and friendships. Let me start by telling you my story.
I made the decision to marry my high school sweetheart. I have no one to blame but me on that account. However, what I didn't know at the time, was that God's grace would cover my sin of fornication. Yes, we had sex before marriage. I had been taught that was the BIGGEST NO-NO on the face of the earth. But no one told me why. I'm not sure that would have changed what I did or not, but knowledge is power! I will probably talk more on that in a later blog. My point here is: I believed that since I had sex with the man, I was already married to him in God's eyes, so therefore, I had no choice but to marry him. REMEMBER: A LIE IS AS STRONG AS THE TRUTH.....IF YOU BELIEVE IT.
I can remember exactly the moment I wanted to cut and run. It was the day of the wedding. The photographer took a picture of me at that very moment, looking into a mirror with a strange look on my face. Only I knew what I was thinking. But, because I believed the lie, I felt I couldnt' get out of the marriage....that I had made my bed and I had to lie in it.....for better or worse.
I certainly tried to make the best of it. Yes, I knew he smoked pot when we married, but I thought he would stop. I just thought it was one of those childish things he was doing for "recreation" until we married. WRONG! I had even said that it is stupid to think a man will change when you marry.....but ~ because I believed the lie.....I married him. The lie I actually believed was that God had no grace to forgive me of such a sin that I knew not to do, yet had done anyway.
Honestly, I wasn't unhappy in our marriage, at least the first couple of years. No, I didn't like him smoking pot, keeping a "stash" around our house or growing it in the garage. I didn't want to get arrested for something I didn't do. Things really took a turn when, just after our second anniversary, he walked in the door from work ~ I had just gotten off work myself and was lying on the couch resting ~ he looked at me and plopped down divorce papers on the coffee table or floor, I don't remember which.
I remember to this day what that felt like. I felt like I was standing one minute and someone had pulled a rug out from under me the next and I was free-falling to the ground....then hitting the ground and all the breath and strength I had was knocked out of me. I was in total and complete shock. Never saw it coming, never heard it coming, we never had fights, arguments or disagreements. I was completely and utterly bamboozled as to what was happening.
To add to the pain, he had gone to his parents, 60 miles away, told them some pack of lies about me and they believed it. I felt so betrayed. Not only by him, but by his parents. They knew he was doing drugs and growing pot in the garage, yet they had taken his lies as truth in one fail swoop. He apparently showed up at their house early that morning, told them the lies and they took their poor mistreated boy to a lawyer to get a divorce. Just like that...no, "Wait a minute son, let's see how we can work this out. Divorce is a sin." They were (I thought) upstanding Christians. The hurt and betrayal I felt at that moment is to this day undescribable. I had been slandered and what was worse......they believed their druggie son! I had loved them like a second mom and dad. I thought they considered me the same. Actions speak louder than words. And those actions hurt!
After hearing what he had done and the lies he admitted he told, I pulled myself together and called my parents. They came unglued! They could not believe his parents would do such a thing. Their advise to me: STAND YOUR GROUND. WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN DIVORCE. If he wants to leave.....he can pack up and find a place to go. You see, he thought I would just pack up and go back to live with my parents. That was Godly advise my parents gave me. He decided not to leave and we would stay and work it out. Whatever "it" was, because he couldn't name it for me, unless it was a lie. He withdrew the divorce papers.
We continued onward, mostly as if nothing had happened for six more months. Then one night, as we were coming back from seeing a movie or shopping in Clovis, he was smoking his pot. We got pulled over by the cops. We rolled down the windows and sprayed some special air freshener he kept around and slowly rolled to a stop. I was scared to death. Here I was, about to go to jail for something I didn't do. God intervened. The cop pulled us over because he thought he was drinking. He was.....a large drink from Taco Box. I thanked God profusely! We went home and he wanted to have some romance....
The next morning he was sitting at the table looking glum. He said he just couldn't live this way. I was a goody two-shoes and he wanted to be a bum. He said as long as he remained married to me, he couldn't be a bum and that was his true ambition. O.K.....so now the truth comes out....I was cramping his "style". Since I was a para-legal, I made the almost instant decision to file for divorce myself this time. In fact, I told him if he just had to have his divorce, he was going to have it "my way" this time around. He agreed to all my terms and conditions ~ which were ~ you move out today, I get everything (and I paid for it, too), including the house and car. He agreed. Also, as part of the agreement, since we were buying the house from his grandparents, no one could know about the divorce until they had signed the house over to us and then he was to sign it over to me. He agreed on that as well. I went to the office and typed all the papers up: the divorce papers, property agreement and real estate note. We mailed the real estate stuff to his grandparents in New Mexico, and it was all done in three weeks. He signed all things over to me and I filed everything with the court.
I will continue this in part two, tomorrow.
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