I am continuing my personal saga of my divorce. I am not doing this to embarrass anyone, but I want you all to know I have been through a divorce, so I feel I can speak to some of the issues of divorce, and hopefully, you will know I am not judging you with what I am going to say.
I left off yesterday by explaining that I filed for divorce. I am thinking this was sometime in February, but I didn't have a court date to finalize the divorce until May, I think.....maybe even June, 1979. What transpired during those in-between months was very painful for me. I was feeling I was the biggest sinner in my family. NO ONE had ever gotten a divorce in my family. Let me make it clear: had I another choice, I would not have gotten a divorce either because I believed divorce to be wrong in the sight of God, and it is. He said it is only because of the hardness of your hearts that Moses allowed it. However, it take two soft and willing hearts, not just one. My husband wanted a divorce NO MATTER WHAT! I realized this, and so consented to it with the restrictions I mentioned in Part One. Also, it mentions that if your spouse commits adultery you may divorce also. I'll be more detailed about these things later.
As I said, I felt like 1) the biggest sinner in my family 2) a great BIG failure because I couldnt' make my marriage work even with compromises like his pot smoking, dealing, growing, etc. 3) a fool, because I had let myself marry him 4) overwhelming sadness from the entire situation 5) embarrassment at my failure. There were a myriad of emotions going on that I didn't understand then, but God has since revealed to me what was going on spiritually. I'll talk about that later as well.
I came to find out, from my sister closest to my age, that there was a secret that she and other family members knew about him, but she had been sworn to secrecy not to tell me. This incident was being kept from me so as to protect my very tender heart from further hurt. We had been separated for a month or six weeks and I just couldn't bring myself to hate him or wish him ill. I only wanted him to clean up, change his mind and come back. I begged my sister to tell me because I thought it might help me have "some" dislike for him. That seemed important to me at the time. Well, she told me. I was shocked more than hurt. About 3 weeks before his announcement of wanting to be a bum, my youngest sister had her 13th birthday. She wanted to spend the night with us. Apparently, in the middle of the night, she woke up to him putting his hand down her pants. She didn't know what to do. She told me recently that I called him from the bedroom and asked him where he was and he came back to bed. I remember none of this. She thought I knew what was happening and was saving her from him. Wish I had, but I didn't know.
So, this was the "trump card" my daddy held over his head during the next few months when it was time to sign papers. I pretended I didn't know so my sister wouldn't get in trouble for telling me. However, my BFF, J, was a notary, and so she accompanied my daddy to his house for signing things. They caught him in a compromising situation with another woman. Perhaps he didn't know that the foil stuff you are not supposed to be able to see through......YOU CAN SEE THROUGH.
Another thing that happened early on, that didn't seem important at the time: He called me and asked to borrow money so he could go to the doctor because he had a bladder infection. I had just found out about him molesting my sister, so, I said, NO WAY! Later, this incident would come back to me......
Another BFF, R, had told me when he insisted on the divorce the second time, that she knew he was out commiting adultery with several women and doing more drugs than pot. I really didn't believe her because I couldn't imagine when he was doing this because we were together most of the time. Turned out I was wrong on that one. Now, I was really feeling like a fool. The wife is the last to know, they say......at least that was my case here.
I continued going to church and reading the Word, praying and listening to God. He gave me the courage to accept the betrayals I was facing from my husband and some of his family, who I dearly loved as well. Then God began to heal my heart and forgiveness flowed. By the time of the actual signing of the divorce papers, I was about 50% healed and renewed. By the end of that summer, God had miraculously removed my pain and even most of my memories of him. We had dated since I was 14.....that was a lot of years to erase. It was like he didn't exist in my life anymore, and never did. I have no idea why God chose to heal me this way, I just know He did.
God told me that when I was looking in that mirror on my wedding day, it was Him speaking to me ~ it was Him telling me to stop the ceremony and RUN! He said he had already forgiven my fornication and He was said that I didn't know Him well enough to realize the depth and scope of His love and forgiveness.....His grace....His mercy. I didn't deserve that special healing God gave me, but in His mercy He provided it just for me because He loved me. In His grace extended.......He forgave me of ALL my sins. I was FREE!
To end this story, I will mention a couple of other things. I had told my mother that I was certain that he would be in jail within the next two years. I don't think it was much over a year when he ended up in prison. Another thing that happened: Right after Louis and I married, Louis got a bladder infection. He went to the doctor.....came home and told me he didn't have a bladder infection, he had gonorrhea. I had numerous bladder infections after our separation and divorce. Come to find out, gonorrhea kind of hides it's symptoms in women and often manifests as a bladder infection. It shows up very painfully in men, so they go get treatment right away and are supposed to tell the women they have infected ~ or maybe the doctor does ~ I don't know.....I just know no one told me. But as soon as Louis told me, I remembered my ex telling me about that bladder infection he had and asking me for money to go to the doctor.......Still another opportunity to forgive a year and a half later.
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