HELLLLEEERRRR! WHAT WAS GOD THINKING?

"Consider it wholly joyful, my brethren, whenever you are ENVELOPED in or encounter trials of any sort or fall into various temptations." James 1:2 Amp

WHAT WAS GOD THINKING? He truly was thinking about you, about me, about everyone He loves. It is in trials that we grow in the Lord, find out where our heart really is and learn to depend on God and His word. During hard times we find out who we depend on the most: God or man. Who do you run to first? The Throne or the phone? I'm not saying it's bad to ask others for prayer or advise.....but what is your first instinct when in trouble? Do you call your mother, your friend, your pastor? Or do you call on the Name of the Lord?

Believe it or not, God knows what you are going to ask before you do and He is NEVER surprised at your situation. He isn't even surprised by your reaction! I am fascinated by the word ENVELOPED in this scripture, taken from the Amplified version (for the hard of hearing....LOL). I have felt ENVELOPED many times by what seemed like horrible situations. I have felt completely stuffed and sealed with no apparent way out. Are you feeling that way today, dear one?

Take comfort in God's words to "count it wholly joyful". For it means He is working in you to free you from those pesky fears we all have when things are not going as we think they should. Take comfort that God is with you in that ENVELOPE. Wow! Could He get any closer? He has promised never to leave you or forsake you....so He is closer than ever right now. Be still and feel His arms comforting you in your ENVELOPE. You are safe!

I AM A CRACKED POT ~ Part 1

I think we often don't realize that people that we see as strong, very capable people have bad days.....weeks....months.....just like most people. Take some time to really listen and hear what your friends ARE NOT SAYING.

I have even had the experience of telling friends exactly what I am feeling and they just look at me and move on to another subject. It's like they can't believe someone "like me" could have a bad day. I am always there for them.....but I think they feel intimidated to help me ~ because I am always the one to help them. Don't be silly. Your "strong, mentor-type" friends have problems as well.....and when they are going through a rough time.....they need you to remind them of the things they have taught you. WE ARE ALL CRACKED POTS. WE ALL LEAK!

Several years ago now, I had the fortunate/unfortunate experience of suffering from a chemical imbalance in my brain, which, by the way......I didn't believe in, and had told anyone who would listen that there is no such thing and the answer was to get rid of the demon! I can remember exactly when and where it started. I was sitting in my van outside a youth meeting at the Lubbock Convention Center on February 28th. I had just turned 37 years old, although I am only 29 today.

I was always full of boundless energy, ready to serve whoever needed me, pray with whomever asked, listened to God and wrote down everything He said on any piece of paper I could get ahold of at the time. One time I asked the checker in the grocery store If I could borrow her pen for a moment. God had just given me a revelation about something and I wanted to write it down before I forgot. I quickly scribbled just a few words on the back of my receipt, ran home and wrote several pages in my journal so I could share it the next time I was teaching at church, or just talking with a friend.

As I was saying....on February 28th ~ something in my brain changed. I FELT it. It felt like the synapse (connections) that go on in your brain without you ever noticing suddenly weren't connecting. It was very frightening, but the feeling went away in a few mintues, leaving me feeling rather confused and disoriented. I was not sure what had happened.

Unfortunately, the mental confusion continued. I could no longer do multiple tasks at one time, my brain felt foggy, like I was trying to think through gooey oatmeal or some kind of thick fabric. I began to be very frightened and thought I was going to die; I was certain something was growing in my brain; I was having a stroke, heart attack or something horrible. I imagined going to the doctor and trying to explain these unusal vague symptoms. I couldn't bring myself to go to the doctor because I knew I would sound like a crazy person trying to describe what was happening to me.

This feeling lasted for months. I PUSHED myself to complete my daily tasks and obligations (homeschooling and teaching at church and all sorts of volunteering and helping other people). I told some of my friends what I was feeling, but like I said, I don't think they could imagine that I would ever need help, and if I did......they were not qualified to help me ~ the teacher, the mentor, the "super Christian".

I became convinced I was being attacked by a demon. That would be the advise I would have given a friend suffering from these "symptoms". I tried to talk to Louis about it. He tried to understand, but couldn't imagine that I could have such problems as this. He too, was convinced I was being attacked by a demon. We went into full spiritual warfare mode. I watched no tv, listened to no news, nothing that would make me anxious. I read the Word, prayed, rebuked, worshipped, closed any spiritual door or window I or Louis could think of. The symptoms persisted.

More in Part 2.

I AM A CRACKED POT ~ Part 2

As I was saying in Part 1, Louis and I continued in a spiritual battle against this thing. We went to all kinds of deliverence meetings, people with gifts for discernment....nothing helped. In the meantime, we moved to Dallas and Louis started going to Christ for the Nations. I remember as I drove the car I told the girls what to do if something happened to me ~ how to turn off the cruise control and take over the steering and bring the car to a safe stop. They were 13. I was expecting to die at any moment. The symptoms only increased and I really thought I was crazy. I was unable to carry on with any normal life (from the inside) but.....(from the outside)....none of my new friends knew what was going on.

I seem to be the type to "attract" needy people. That's because I have something they need....Jesus and the wisdom for practical applicaton of Biblical truths. This is not a pat on my back....it's a gift God has given me ~ but I let the urgent take over the important. The needy people came in droves to my apartment. They were sucking what life I had left out of me. This was not their fault....no indeed, it was mine. I had yet to learn about boundaries. I never set out to be someone's "savior", in fact, I always told them it was God who worked through me and led them to the Source. The problem was, like most people, they want you to hear from God for them. I felt sorry for them and continued to be drained.

It was now July. You would think by now I would have hit bottom. But no! We went to more meetings and more deliverance sessions. Still nothing worked. Then, a very dark day arrived. One of my cousins died. She was only 35. I was devastated. And I sunk even lower. After the funeral, I began having really dark thoughts of wanting to die and how I could do it.

Let me explain. I didn't have these feeling because of my circumstances. My circumstances were exagerating what was already there, beginning February 28th. My brain was becoming continually sicker and sicker. I became scared to eat. I was really afraid of forks. We lived in a two story townhouse and I was convinced that everytime I went up the stairs that I would die. I would stand in the grocery store and the room would seem to spin and I was certain I would never get out of there without an ambulance being called. Yet, everyone around me thought of me as cool, calm and collected as I chit chatted with my new neighbors.

September was fast approaching, Louis had started fall semester and I was attempting to start our homeschool again. We went to another meeting our pastor from Levelland was attending and was certain I could get help there. They prayed and prayed and prayed for me. No results. One woman took Louis aside and told him that I was sick and needed help from a psychiatrist and gave him the card of a Christian psychiatrist in our area. She offered to call him for us. I was outraged! I didn't believe in psychiactric help ~ I believed in demons, remember!

A couple more days found me getting a psychiactric evaluation by this doctor at the Haven Hospital. By now, I had one friend who understood what I was going through and she was there feeding me the Psalms to keep me calm until they called my name. Louis went in with me as I answered an extensive set of questions. Because I didn't have insurance, he was trying to keep me out of a clinical setting, so he gave me some meds for a chemical imbalance to start on right away. He diagnosed me as being extremely clinically depressed, with the addition of panic disorder.

Story continues in Part 3.